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How does
divorce affect children?
Children experience
fears about their future. They feel a great sense of loss
through the separation from one of the two most important
people in their lives.
Young
children often feel some responsibility from the breakup.
Their behavior may regress and they may feel rejected by the
leaving parent.
Older
children often display anger at the parent they perceive as
responsible for the separation. Their sense of personal
identity is shaken. They suffer from issues of loyalty to
one parent or the other.
Teens often
feel a sense of right and wrong and may blame one parent.
They also are affected more by financial insecurities. Teens
have a need to confirm their sexual identity which can be
confused by the ending of their parent's marriage. A new
awareness of their parents as sexual beings may make them
feel uncomfortable.
What can
parents do to help?
- Give children permission to feel positively about
both parents. Children gain their own self-esteem from
their concept of both parents. When children are not
able to feel good about both parents, their own
self-esteem suffers.
- Acknowledge that this is a painful time for
everyone, and allow time for you and your children to
adjust.
- Parents must end their conflict and move forward.
Continuing bitterness and conflict is more damaging to
the children than the divorce itself.
- Reassure children that they are not to blame for the
breakup, and that they will continue to be cared for and
loved, even when they don't express these insecurities.
- Keep your criticisms and anger toward the other
parent away from the children. This may be difficult but
it is essential.
- Provide consistency wherever possible in
friendships, school, daycare, neighborhoods, etc.
Consistency in routine and discipline are important ways
to offer a sense of security amidst change.
- Encourage children to talk about the divorce and
their feelings.
- Remember the good times and talk about them with
your children.
- Seek support for yourself and the children through
contacts with important others. Professional counseling
may be very beneficial to help you and the children cope
with the hurt and change in your lives.
- Make new goals for yourself. Your life is going
forward.
Remember, how well parents
adjust to the divorce will in large part determine how
well the children adjust.
For more information visit
Parents Anonymous®.
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